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I want to talk a little bit about my idea of “reincarnation,” since I really don’t have anything else to talk about today.

I’m going to preface this by saying that my concept of reincarnation is based on Stephen King’s Dark Tower series. Well, no, not really based on. But perhaps, influenced by? Introduced by? I don’t know. He writes about something that could be considered reincarnation that kind of makes sense to me with slight modifications.

The idea he presents – or seems to present – comes from the very end of the tale (serious spoiler alert, because trust me, you never see it coming), when the main character, Roland, climbs to the top of the Dark Tower, a legendary monolithic universe-lynch-pin. Throughout the tale, Roland wonders from time to time what he will find when he reaches the top. What he finds is a door – that opens up and pulls him into his own past, his own life… where he has made different choices that may lead to a different outcome.
Because I believe that life is a test, a modification of this idea makes sense to me: We are sent back, over and over again, in the same life/person, until we “pass” the test and finally learn all of the lessons life has for us. Then, presumably, we continue on to otherworldly existence, or perhaps cease to exist entirely.
Now, those italics? That’s probably where my belief in reincarnation differs from yours, if you have one. In my experience, most reincarnation-believing pagans think we come back in multiple different lives or incarnations – for example, that they may be a current incarnation of Julius Ceasar, or Ptolemy, or DaVinci. (You get the idea.) That’s fine and all… I just don’t feel I’ve ever been anything other than what I am. It doesn’t make sense that I could have been. Of course, that’s just me. That’s fine too.

Yeah, I figured I wasn’t gonna get much space outta this one. I seem to think I’m going to write more than I have to say on stuff like this, heh.


Some how I got the morning pages done today. I’m not sure how, with the “Scholastic” competition I was in but apparently I did. I only did 2 pages again but I think I’m going to start making that the norm.
I have this app for my iTouch (which I’m beginning to see as a hugely beneficial tool to my practice – I’m typing this on it right now) that creates sound at the certain frequencies that alter your brain. I’m thinking, morning meditation? Evening meditation?
Another morning activity I’m thinking on is dancing. Dancing always heightens my mood and my energy level. Now, when I say “dancing,” I mean putting on peppy music and moving myself to it. Nothing fancy, just fun.
The iTouch also has acquired an app that gives different yoga positions, and I plan to utilize that as often as I can and hopefully eventually fall into a sync with that. Every day ideally, or four to five days a week, or whatever.

Okay. Okay. I’m not dead. Promise.
I’ve just been busy. Doing what? Well… Nothing huge of value to anyone but me.
I’ve been doing the morning pages almost every day (weekends are still messing with me).
Last Saturday I went to a college football game at the college I’m planning on attending (Penn State), and they won, woo!

And apparently I’m going to the winter semiformal dance this year. John and I had decided not to go, but his cousins have other plans, it seems.
They’re both in their 20’s and out of college (and they both went to the college I’m planning to attend, haha), and they’ve decided that we are going to that dance, whether we like it or not! Lol! They’re paying for it. All of it. The younger cousin, Rachel, is letting me wear one of her dresses (that looks fantastic on me) and bought me shoes and was talking about jewelry and hair appointments and so on.
I’m kind of being weird about this, mostly because I’m not used to people being that nice to me, or doing that much for me. The cynic in me is going, “Why the hell are they doing this for you?” But, I figure I’m just going to shut up, thank them lots, and enjoy it.

Er, besides all that… I dunno. I’ve been working on a WordPress theme that’ll match my Blogger theme at the mo’, to set up a “Locked and Loaded” on my own server as a third strain for absolutely no reason other that I’m damn weird about that.

I’ve been thinking a lot about a secret project, but shhh… If you keep it quiet I’ll tell you…
About two or three years ago, back when I was A) deep into writing and B) angsty at my parents, I came up with an interesting fellow. His name was Alexander and he went by the moniker “Andi”. He had long blond hair and was basically a gothic computer genius with shitty-but-rich parents.
Okay, but what’s the project? Am I planning on writing a book on him? Well, not really. I’m already working on a non-fiction about my path, and getting slightly burned out on that. This is something fresh that I’ve never tried before: Webcomic artistry. Now, I’m not sure if it’s going to be funny – Andi is a cynical smartass, but not a comedian by any means. I’m not even sure what it’s going to be about, beyond this one kid. But I have the layout sitting here in my head and I cannot, cannot pass this up. I just can’t. My me won’t let me. I’m not sure what I mean by “my me” here – not Gloria; she wants me to do creative things but wouldn’t make me do them. No, it’s something deeper that is driving this impulse – maybe my center of creativity itself?
I should definitely meditate on this! If I could get myself to meditate at all…

My problem with doing these things that I mean to do – which include but are not limited to: meditation, journalling/blogging, card pulls (to a lesser extent), stonework, painting, recording, class projects – is that I get caught up in doing something else. Always! It’s my curse to be so easily distracted. And then all of a sudden it’s 10 or 11 at night and I’m tired and sitting there going, “Fuck! I was supposed to do this and this and this and I didn’t do any of it!” And I get frustrated with myself.
I think some of it is related to John in certain ways – I don’t want to ask him for time to myself. I’m not sure why, I just don’t want to do it, ever. So if I’m talking to him, I’m not doing these other things that I mean to. Or I’ll get hung up doing something I can do while talking to him, like Stumbling or template coding or something that either I don’t need to do or I could save for a later time.

I’m going to try to sort this out. I haven’t been, and I know it.

I need to edit the purpose page, heh. This is turning into more of a blog than I expected, filled with more of my personal life that I expected, and to be honest I don’t really see anything wrong with that. So. I will change it.

Time to go get my laundry out of the wash and hang it. To steal a phrase from the always-awesome Tigger, TTFN!

Woo! Back on the wagon. Did my morning pages two days in a row, good Taylor. I even did a “prayer” this morning. (Something to the tone of, “Dear Gloria, help me t fill my day with love, light, and peace.”) And I did a water purification in the shower – complete with a chant, which I rarely ever do, so I’m proud of myself. (“Water, water, flow through me, bringing positivity, taking negativity, water, water, flow through me.”)

Haven’t done any card pulls; I’m still mulling over the last one, and somehow it doesn’t feel right to move on until I figure this one out. I’m probably looking at that “wrong” though. (Not “wrong” as in there’s only one way to see it, but more like “wrong” as in not benificial to me.)

I started cleaning my room and rearranging things yesterday, and did a little work on that today as well, but today I succumbed to the lure of the computer. Tomorrow I’m going to get a big chunk of it done with, though. Mostly what I want to do right now is get the clothes I need washed, washed, and sort through what’s in my cabinets, tossing anything that’s garbage, keeping only what it needed, and giving away or selling what I can. (Diablo II player’s guide? Meet Game Stop. Have fun. Gimme cash. Lol!)

I also finally got around to painting a wand I’ve been meaning to give to my friend. Her birthday was a few months ago and I told her I’d have something for her when I could. I’m sure she’s forgotten by now, so it’ll be a really nice surprise. 🙂

This weekend was a spiritual bust. I did not do the morning pages either day. I didn’t do, well, ANYTHING with the practice either day.

Yesterday I took the SAT from 8 in the morning until about 1 in the afternoon, then I watched The Uninvited, then I went to John’s and stayed there until about 10 and came home and crashed.

Today I didn’t get up until almost noon, then I took a nice long shower. I stayed downstairs in the kitchen with my computer set up on the table all day, until about twenty minutes ago. I didn’t get much done besides a few posts on the SpiritsCast forums and a good dose of negativity via Gaiaonline, though I did get my site registered for Google Adsense and convinced my friend to add my music page on MySpace as a friend.

I’ve been increasingly negative these last few days, and I don’t like it. I enjoyed not being a bitch. (Wait, what?!) I enjoyed feeling happy and at peace.
I bet if I went hermit for a week I’d feel no bitchiness at all, lol! But I can’t do that, can I? I live with my parent(s), I go to high school, and I’m romantically attached. No hermitism for me, sadly.

School tomorrow, and I’m going to get back in sync with the practice. I understand that I am only starting out with this, and that starting out is not always an easy, quick flow into routine. It takes work and commitment, and I am willing to get over my failure and progress into success.

Well, everyone else seems to be including their card pulls in their blogs, so I figured I’d hop on the wagon.
I’ll preface this with two things: One, I use playing cards instead of Tarot, though I pretty much use Tarot-equivalent meanings (eg., 4 of spades and 4 of swords). Two, this first cardshare is from November 5th, the Day I Did Everything.

Thursday, November 5th, 2009
About 2:15 pm

I shuffled the cards with a desire to discover more about the path that I’m embarking on. I think I may have asked too many questions for a two card pull.
I got the ace of hearts on top and the two of clubs on the bottom. Base instinct says that obviously this is something new, the low numbers tell us that. 2 of clubs is the beginning of work, when it begins to take shape; a block of wood hinting at its final product. Ace of hearts is the beginning of love. The combination hints to me that te path I am beginning to set myself on will require work, but will be extremely emotionally rewarding.

My notes on the cards say that 2 of clubs, or wands, indicated instinct, direction, and a choice of where to focus, and 1 of hearts or cups indicates beginnings, raw potential, and a welling of new emotion.
This backs up my beginning interpritation.

The cards may indicate problems with my relationship as a result of this new path, so I should pay careful attention to that.

Today was interesting.

I didn’t get a lot of path stuff done. I did the morning pages but that’s about it. No water purification (like I had been doing), no meditation, no card pull. I’ll probably do the card pull when I’m done writing this.

I did some small bit of organization of book files, but nothing of actual writing.

I felt like crap half the day. Just randomly getting angry or upset with others’ behavior, and my own. PMS starting to kick at me? My week had been excellent up til today.

Let’s see. In home room I was rudely manhandled by my home room teacher during the Pledge of Allegiance. Every morning they play the National Anthem and have the Pledge afterward. I always (when I’m in home room) stand respectfully and be silent, and usually do some sort of “prayer” or quick meditation, often on patriotic-themed topics, but I don’t actually speak the Pledge or place my hand over my heart. Today I spent the time in thought on the Fort Hood incident. Interrupting my thoughts, my home room teacher decided she would take it upon herself to lift my arm to “where it should be”.
I said nothing to her. Then I spent my time in the library, before sitting down to do my morning pages, typing up a letter to her, explaining why I don’t say the Pledge or make the gesture and that my reasons for not doing so are valid and that I’m actually in love with this country, especially our military. I went into a lot of stuff, like how my parents were both Marines and how I at one time was seriously considering enlistment in the Navy, and how I see the Pledge as an oath I don’t deserve to take.
I printed it, signed it, tri-folded it, stuck it in an envelope, and put it in her mailbox in the main office.
I haven’t talked to her since then. I await Monday nervously. I’m afraid that writing that letter was a mistake, that she will be angry with me. My logical brain kicks in and asks me why that would be so bad. “What can she really do?” Well, nothing, but she’s not a terrible person and I would rather she didn’t see me badly. I don’t know how to feel, but I guess what’s done is done, right?

I got a hundred on my calculus test. That’s the second hundred this week. I think I wrapped up the first quarter quite damn nicely.

My younger friend asked me for sex advice today. I think of her as part little sister, part younger cousin, so that was weird and awkward.

I drove again. My mother was yelling at me like a lunatic. I did fairly terrible. Didn’t hit anything, so that was good.

I finally got my application for Penn State sent in. I’m 93% certain they’re going to accept me, but I know I’m still going to await their response nervously.

I’m nervous about tomorrow, a little. I’m taking the SAT again. Last time I got a 1970 (R+W+M, 1280 R+M), so I’m trying to get over a 2000, and/or over a 1300 (R+M). The highest you can get is 800 in each of three sections: reading, writing, and math. Some count the reading and math as more important, and so only want to know the total of those two, and up until a couple years ago it was only those two. My current score was actually better than my valedictorian’s, but I wanna break 2000/1300, because that would just be awesome. (Sure, it’s no 2400/1600, but perfection is for robots, not Taylor.)

So that was my day. Eugh.

When newspapers print something that is later found to be incorrect, they print an apology piece, detailing what they printed that was wrong and the correct information on the subject. Usually they print apologies for incorrect dates or misspellings, but sometimes also for printing misinformation, when such a thing happens.

So I’m going to apologize for “printing” misinformation.
As far as I am aware, when I wrote my previous post with the bit about the Ft. Hood incident, it had been published via CNN’s website that “they” believed the gunman to be dead. However they have since told us that he is not dead, but only wounded.

I am sorry about posting information prematurely and I will definitely stop and wait for all the facts the next time I post about current events.

Now back to your regularly scheduled life.

Because this is something that might come up quite a lot over the course of this, well, course, I thought I’d take some time to explain a little about my Gloria.

In my path, one creates a mental personification of their “inner self,” or in other words, their subconscious mind. Mine takes the form of a woman, who looks about 19-23, with long black hair, blue eyes, and larger breasts than I have.
On one hand, I named her Gloria after the character sung about in Green Day’s newest album. On the other hand, she named herself with her own firey gusto. Like the character I/she/we pilfered the name from, she’s a one-woman riot, a lover and a fighter, a perfect balance of warrior spirit and hippie ethic. Did I say perfect? She’s far from it, and she knows it – and that’s what makes her real. I know I’m never going to be perfect, she knows I’m never going to be perfect, so perfection is a silly goal. Gloria herself? She’s something I can strive to become, and probably even succeed.
After all, she is me.

If we wanna bring some more music into is (and why the hell not?), I am s/he as you are s/he as you are me and we are all together.

All things considered, today was a pretty good day for me.

I wanted to wake up earlier than normal and get my morning pages done then… That didn’t happen, lol. I did get up earlier than I have been (7:03 as opposed to 7:19) but not as early as I’d’ve liked (like 6ish) and not early enough to do the pages and my morning stuff.
In fact… I didn’t get them done until almost noon. -.- Bad Taylor! I know. But you can’t expect my first day to be perfect, can you? I did rather marvelously, though, thanks to some nice kinks in my class schedule. (Two substitute teachers, which meant no work in those classes, and a test, which meant free time after.)

I sorted out the binder that I’ll be using for a paper journal and the likes. (Not my morning pages – they go in a separate notebook and get paper clipped to the cover after I write them.) I already had the binder all made up nice and pretty.
I have five dividers that are transluscent, and to put right behind the dividers for each section I had drawn a representation of each element (a big fire, a river, some trees, a sun behind clouds, and a candle reflected in a dark mirror) on a piece of loose-leaf, then colored a piece of tracing paper with Sharpies in the same pattern. The first section (which is the fire) I’m putting notes in from the SpiritsCast 101 shows and notes – right now I have a page listing different things under the four headings of “Light, Listening, Expressing, and Offering,” a page with the eight practices outlined in the first 101, and a checklist of the “what you’ll need” things. The second section (water) is divination notes. The third (trees/earth) is for journalling, separate of the morning pages. The fourth (sun and clouds/air) is spells and songs – because I am a lyricist and I believe that both have power. The last section (the candle and mirror/spirit) is for “Ritual and Ritual Notes”.
Getting everything organized like this makes me all excited and giddy. (I feel like such a nerd, but I’m fine with that, lol!)

I also did the divination deal today. I used a deck of playing cards that I’ve been randomly divining with for a few months, and wrote down results and thoughts and so on in my divination notes section. I’m using playing cards for a few different reasons.
One, I discovered last night, my Tarot deck is missing several cards and I have no friggin’ clue where they are. I wouldn’t feel right using a deck missing cards. If it was only one it might be different, but there are about six or seven cards missing. I’m sad cause I’ve had that deck for a pretty long time, as far as things I own go.
Two, I find using playing cards to be a little bit easier, in terms of me remembering meanings of them. Tarot and/or Oracle decks might be easier in figuring out, what with having descriptive pictures, but the simplicity of the playing cards works best for me.
Three, I really love the way these cards shuffle. They’re 100% plastic, which means I can shuffle them the “easy” way with no bending, ripping, or sliptting. Hell yeah!
Four, I am unemployed. So I have to make due with what I have and cannot go buy new pretty Tarot or Oracle decks that I might enjoy more visually. Oh well.

And throughout all of this I still managed to write part of another section for my book and get the files on that sorted out all nice and pretty on my kick-ass 8 gig Fort Libinum stick.
(…I name my storage space. The 8 gig SD card that acts as a storage expansion for my Acer is called Fort Talis and the 1 gig SD card I use in my MP3 player to put podcasts on used to be called Fort Tivium. My C drive is named Savilumia. I have no idea where any of these names came from, they just pop into my head and I type them in the “Device Name” box. Libinum is used for my book files, school work, and SpiritsCast notes.)
AND hang out with the hubby.
Damn, I’m amazing!

Seriously switching gears: if I may ask everyone to take a moment for the thirteen (and possibly more) lives lost today at Ft. Hood. At least eleven of these people were soldiers, including the gunman himself. Some are speculating that a lack of proper psychiatric care for PTSD may have been a factor in the gunman’s actions, and possibly the almost constant stream of deployment that seems to be habit in America’s current military engagement. All are agreeing that this was a tragedy.
As an American, I consider every one of these soldiers heroes. As one on a warrior’s path, I consider them brothers and sisters.
Please take a moment, say a prayer, light a candle, or simply meditate on your own country’s military forces, what they contribute, and what they sacrifice in service to their country.
Thank you.