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Tag Archives: Gloria

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My, my, my. So it’s December. And I’ve got far too much swirling around in my brainical processes. Deep breath, -deep breath noises-, swig of coffee, -slurping noises-.

I’ve got Lennon‘s Christmas song (I forget its title) swishing back and forth in my head, threatening to drown out poor Meadow Moon, whose third episode I’m listening to. As that little FoxyTunes banner says down there at the bottom.

I’m tired. I really shouldn’t be, but it’s more than just physical tiredness, I think. I’m tired of everything. I keep thinking, “Is this depression?” And to be honest, I’m kind of scared of the answer. I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t have time to be depressed. I don’t have reason to be depressed. This hasn’t, to memory, happened before, so why’s it happening now?

My hormones have decided they hate me, as well. The problem with that is that ordinarily the solution for that is for my doctor to prescribe birth control pills…….and I’m already on them. I’m 18, for god’s sake. Can’t my body wait to hate me until I’m older? Until something like this wouldn’t scare the living hell out of me?
Until it wouldn’t remind me of how my grandmother had to have a hysterectomy at 25 and make me think, “I won’t be ready to have children by then like she did, I’ll be in college still.” Goddammit, I want to be a mother. I’m too young and ambitious for it right now, but I want to bear children someday. My body, with it’s wide hips and stout legs, is built for it, has been since I was twelve. My mind has only very recently begun to take to the idea, but it’s taken to it like a leech to an open sore, and has no intentions of letting go.

…I haven’t told anyone any of this yet. And I’m sitting here on a beautiful snowy Sunday afternoon crying my eyes out for apparently no reason.
And thinking, “God, there’s something wrong with me.”

I have to get off this topic. Sorry to be Debbie Downer, guys.

Moving on;
I haven’t done much work with the website “issues” I talked about last time in the past few days. I did get some pretty basic templates done for the four major sections/sites I plan to launch, which are: a personal blog and writing area called, “What Would Gloria Do?” or “WWGD”; a space for my (as of yet barely started) musical work under the name Midnight Magic; a section called “Locked & Loaded” that will actually be my place to post my beginning research and work on my future book about Spiritual Gunslingerism; and a space for the newly renamed CrimsonCast. I wanted to incorporate some spiritual themes throughout, and kind of associated each with one of the four elements. WWGD associates with fire, for various reasons including but not limited to the fiery riot-like nature of Gloria herself and the firey passion that incorporates into writing, or at least my writing. Midnight Magic I associated with water, because of the emotional nature of music and my own in particular. L&L is very earthy, because it’s about incorporating ideas into the corporeal and also because I very much associate gunslingers in general with a desert which is the epitome of bare earth to me. And CrimsonCast, with its intentions of communication, thought, and mindfulness, is of course air. I tried to incorporate related colors into the templates I worked on, although Gloria specifically requested black and red for the site that bears her name. L&L used brown, green, and orange; MM used purple and some blue; and CrimsonCast used red and pink (while not specifically “air” colors – which may be more like yellows and beiges – they fit and, hey, I used pink! Be happy! Lol.)

I’ve been cracking open the magicky pagan books I happen to have (and trying to get myself to ask for ownership of my mother’s old books) as well. A list of what I have, for the curious (and please don’t laugh, I didn’t buy all of them myself):
– Silver Ravenwolf: To Ride a Silver Broomstick, To Light a Sacred Flame, and Teen Witch
– Scott Cunningham: Encyclopedia of Herbs*, Wicca, and Living Wicca*
– Phyllis Curott: Book of Shadows*
– Anton LaVey: The Satanic Bible*
– Amber K: True Magic
– Diana Paxton: Essential Asatru
– Richard Metzger: The Book of Lies* (No, not Crowley’s, heh)
– D.J. Conway: Little Book of Candle Magic* and Celtic Magic*
The purple titles are the ones I bought myself and the asterisk’d titles are those I have not finished reading yet. (Cunningham’s Encyclopedia I have technically read through all the way, but of course you flip through afterward because you forget these things.)

I’m trying to think up topic(s) for my next podcast episode. I’m leaning at current towards a discussion of Satanism, probably because I’ve started picking up Mr. LaVey again after a few months of having lost the book (bad Taylor!). Ehh, I dunno.

I’m gonna end this post and start two new ones, hahaha. Those shallt be (inspired by Feith): Those things I take for granted in magic/paganism, especially in regards to elements; and; my own personal skill set, or, “What the hell am I good at?!” That second might make me feel a little better, eh?

“And so, merry Christmas, and a happy new year; let’s hope it’s a good one, without any fear…”

—————-
Now playing: MeadowMoon – Episode 3
via FoxyTunes

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Okay. Okay. I’m not dead. Promise.
I’ve just been busy. Doing what? Well… Nothing huge of value to anyone but me.
I’ve been doing the morning pages almost every day (weekends are still messing with me).
Last Saturday I went to a college football game at the college I’m planning on attending (Penn State), and they won, woo!

And apparently I’m going to the winter semiformal dance this year. John and I had decided not to go, but his cousins have other plans, it seems.
They’re both in their 20’s and out of college (and they both went to the college I’m planning to attend, haha), and they’ve decided that we are going to that dance, whether we like it or not! Lol! They’re paying for it. All of it. The younger cousin, Rachel, is letting me wear one of her dresses (that looks fantastic on me) and bought me shoes and was talking about jewelry and hair appointments and so on.
I’m kind of being weird about this, mostly because I’m not used to people being that nice to me, or doing that much for me. The cynic in me is going, “Why the hell are they doing this for you?” But, I figure I’m just going to shut up, thank them lots, and enjoy it.

Er, besides all that… I dunno. I’ve been working on a WordPress theme that’ll match my Blogger theme at the mo’, to set up a “Locked and Loaded” on my own server as a third strain for absolutely no reason other that I’m damn weird about that.

I’ve been thinking a lot about a secret project, but shhh… If you keep it quiet I’ll tell you…
About two or three years ago, back when I was A) deep into writing and B) angsty at my parents, I came up with an interesting fellow. His name was Alexander and he went by the moniker “Andi”. He had long blond hair and was basically a gothic computer genius with shitty-but-rich parents.
Okay, but what’s the project? Am I planning on writing a book on him? Well, not really. I’m already working on a non-fiction about my path, and getting slightly burned out on that. This is something fresh that I’ve never tried before: Webcomic artistry. Now, I’m not sure if it’s going to be funny – Andi is a cynical smartass, but not a comedian by any means. I’m not even sure what it’s going to be about, beyond this one kid. But I have the layout sitting here in my head and I cannot, cannot pass this up. I just can’t. My me won’t let me. I’m not sure what I mean by “my me” here – not Gloria; she wants me to do creative things but wouldn’t make me do them. No, it’s something deeper that is driving this impulse – maybe my center of creativity itself?
I should definitely meditate on this! If I could get myself to meditate at all…

My problem with doing these things that I mean to do – which include but are not limited to: meditation, journalling/blogging, card pulls (to a lesser extent), stonework, painting, recording, class projects – is that I get caught up in doing something else. Always! It’s my curse to be so easily distracted. And then all of a sudden it’s 10 or 11 at night and I’m tired and sitting there going, “Fuck! I was supposed to do this and this and this and I didn’t do any of it!” And I get frustrated with myself.
I think some of it is related to John in certain ways – I don’t want to ask him for time to myself. I’m not sure why, I just don’t want to do it, ever. So if I’m talking to him, I’m not doing these other things that I mean to. Or I’ll get hung up doing something I can do while talking to him, like Stumbling or template coding or something that either I don’t need to do or I could save for a later time.

I’m going to try to sort this out. I haven’t been, and I know it.

I need to edit the purpose page, heh. This is turning into more of a blog than I expected, filled with more of my personal life that I expected, and to be honest I don’t really see anything wrong with that. So. I will change it.

Time to go get my laundry out of the wash and hang it. To steal a phrase from the always-awesome Tigger, TTFN!

Because this is something that might come up quite a lot over the course of this, well, course, I thought I’d take some time to explain a little about my Gloria.

In my path, one creates a mental personification of their “inner self,” or in other words, their subconscious mind. Mine takes the form of a woman, who looks about 19-23, with long black hair, blue eyes, and larger breasts than I have.
On one hand, I named her Gloria after the character sung about in Green Day’s newest album. On the other hand, she named herself with her own firey gusto. Like the character I/she/we pilfered the name from, she’s a one-woman riot, a lover and a fighter, a perfect balance of warrior spirit and hippie ethic. Did I say perfect? She’s far from it, and she knows it – and that’s what makes her real. I know I’m never going to be perfect, she knows I’m never going to be perfect, so perfection is a silly goal. Gloria herself? She’s something I can strive to become, and probably even succeed.
After all, she is me.

If we wanna bring some more music into is (and why the hell not?), I am s/he as you are s/he as you are me and we are all together.
Right?