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Tag Archives: Spiritual practice

What the hell? Me, Miss I-don’t-worship-gods, m’self!

I’m not entirely sure how it came about, only that, well, it did.

I have a set of shelves next to my computer desk, and being as I don’t have a dresser in my room I was cleaning them off and reorganizing them to put clothes on. One of the shelves began collecting items in a pattern, with “female” things on the left side and “male” things on the right. The last kickers that kind of jolted it into place were a pair of knives I never use, a stick I took the bark off of, and a fairly ancient can of white birch beer that I’ve never opened. (I don’t drink the stuff.) The birch beer more than anything – years ago I designated that exact can as a perpetual offering to “The God,” whatever the hell I thought that was at the time. The sell-by date is March 4th of 2009, to put it in perspective.

Thing is… These last few months I haven’t felt “spiritual” at all. Only within the past few weeks has this begun to change, coinciding interestingly with me getting back together with my ex.
I mentioned this to him, along with how I haven’t been wanting to write or draw, or, well, do anything I love doing, and he replied with one line: “Depression hurts.”

I don’t know exactly what this all means for me just now. I have an idea that I’ll take it as it comes and figure it out as I go along, though. I have done fairly well at that in the past.

So I was looking around this thing and thinking, “Man, I need a new theme.”
I found this one and thought, “Looks cool enough to sacrifice my sidebars for.”
Then I scrolled down to the bottom and saw the two-column footer with all my lovely widgets and I squee’d like a twelve year old fangirl. Best WordPress theme I have ever seen, no joke. I love it. It’s clean, dark, and gorgeous.
I am such a nerd. 🙂 And I am fine with that.

So, like I think I said almost two months ago (lol!), I’ve been in a not so spiritual mood for the past almost two months. Lately I’ve been feeling an interestingly apathetic kick-back… It feels less like I want to enhance myself spiritually and more like I’d just like to explore what’s out there – a feeling that reminds me a good deal of my “studies” in chaos magic way back in the day. (Which was really only like a few years ago, heh.) It’s sort of an analytical, pseudo-scientific, “Let’s try this and see what happens,” kind of feeling.

I have been doing a lot of personal writing – writing out just thoughts and ideas. Not only in the morning pages, each of which is written in “letter form” to Gloria, but also in just random other stuff.

A lot of my time has also been spent talking to my friend Matt, which is usually an enjoyable experience. (He’s the person referenced in the last post about happiness.)
Besides that, I need to remotivate myself to do a lot of things. I haven’t been writing anything fiction, I haven’t been writing any songs, I haven’t been doing any webwork (except for the project I’m doing for a web competition, and that’s being done at school), I haven’t cleaned my room in a while.

I have started working out again. Two pressed-sawdust boards on my bed, doing rudimentary crunches and baby push-ups, but it’s better than nothing. And I always feel better after I do. Yippie for endorphins.

I’ve also been scribbling sigils all over lately. I haven’t charged any of them, except the one I drew on the back of my hand for my chemistry midterm (which worked, 104), but they’re more-than-one-use kind of deals, so coming up with the pattern is a good starting point. Then later I can just copy it onto something (such as a piece of my skin – that seems to work best for me for some reason) and charge it or just fire it off in my head.
I enjoy sigils.

Not sure what else to say for now, so I’ll wrap this up. Pic totally irrelevant, but amusing.

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So, in 101-2, we are given an exercise, to examine what things we take for granted in our beliefs. Obviously, this isn’t a one-shot deal, but let us say that this post is a beginning to my thought on such things.

So let’s just get into it.

One thing that I have come to accept in my belief is that water is an element of emotions.  I remember where I first came across the idea and when I first realized I believed it.
The idea was first presented to me in Kerr Cuhulain’s Full Contact Magick, a book I didn’t get much but a lack of respect for sai Cuhulain out of.
I first came to accept the idea, completely and totally, one day when I was walking home from school. I had Ariel’s Witch’s Primer on and was listening to (and following along with) the elemental meditation, and when I got to the water part… I can only say that it was intensely powerful, and that I probably looked like a total moron, standing on the sidewalk with my eyes closed, crying. I knew, knew for a fact, no doubt at all, that water was absolutely connected to emotions.
To be perfectly honest, before this idea, I had absolutely nothing to attribute to water. I felt, air was ideas and thoughts, earth was bodily and corporeal things, fire was passion and action and will, but water was just… I had nothing.

What else?
Directions, I guess. (Northern hemisphere, o’course.) North = earth, south = fire, east = air, west = water.
I’m not sure if I totally agree with it, I just don’t think about it. To be honest, the compass designations don’t have much place in my life at all. Sure, they’re useful when I’m looking at a map…but that doesn’t really happen often. If I had to pick, I’d follow a system of something like, “before, beneath, within,” before being both before in time and before me physically; that would be earth. Beneath would be both literally beneath me and metaphorically what’s underneath, or my motivation for doing things; that would be fire (the “fire under my ass,” so to speak). Within would be my thoughts and emotions and obviously would be both water and air.

And I’m not sure what else. Like I said, this is an ongoing thing. Or, as they say in the comic book industry,

Oh, and the title of this post is probably my favorite line from Rise Against’s “Prayer of the Refugee,” which is an amazing song.

Things I did today:
Meditation – No.
Pages – No.
Inward Speaking – Inadvertant, but mostly no.
Walking – Does up and down the stairs count?
Water – Try coffee.
Divination -Nope.

Oh, ye gods, I am failing. See that list up there? The one that’s a proclamation of me doing absolutely nothing that I should have? That’s the same for the past like three days. Is it ironic or merely sad that the “holidays” have an adverse affect on my spiritual practice?

Well, what have I been doing? Lots of nothing. Playing with my iTouch. Listening to the wonderful Druidcast – I guess that fits in as something good. Trying to set up my various webnesses with little complete success. I did have the wonderful idea of writing different themed topics for certain days of the week on my personal blog, but that’s wanting to fall through as well… the last two themed days (Wednesday and Friday) have both gone by with not a pip from my end. I’m thinking, should I get rid of a few days? Or what? Ahhhh.

I am noticing a slight trend, perhaps – I seem to fall through on these things when it’s what I call “the bleeding time” – ladies might understand what I mean. I just get really bored, lethargic, I don’t want to do anything at all but sleep all day. And sleep all day I have been – yesterday I slept until 2 in the afternoon! And today was not much better, with me getting up around 11 AM.

And I’d really like to finish moving my room as I’d like it, but I’ve not the will to actually make it happen.

On top of all of that, I’ve got some thinking to do on website “issues”. I don’t actually have any pressing issues with my current host or anything like that, more just things that I’d like or things I don’t like anymore.
For one, I don’t like my domain name anymore. I created it when I was seriously becoming interested in chaos magic – and I’m not anymore. I’ve “grown away” from that path, which makes sense when I stop and consider my situation now as compared to then. I guess I’m sort of “settling down,” at the very least mentally, and chaos no longer appeals to me. However – I have not a farking clue what to go by instead. (Half-joke:) Perhaps I should do one of those “pagan name” meditations to find a new domain handle? Haha.
For another, I’m rethinking my choice of webhost. The host I’m with now is fairly good, but to be honest I don’t really need all the space and features I’m paying for, and I would love to not pay as much anymore. This is probably more of an “issue” with my current hosting package rather than my current hosting provider, but shopping around is a good thing, isn’t it?

Eh. I have no idea. I think I’ll put on some jeans and move some shit around and wait for John to get done with his cousin’s siding.

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