My, my, my. So it’s December. And I’ve got far too much swirling around in my brainical processes. Deep breath, -deep breath noises-, swig of coffee, -slurping noises-.
I’ve got Lennon‘s Christmas song (I forget its title) swishing back and forth in my head, threatening to drown out poor Meadow Moon, whose third episode I’m listening to. As that little FoxyTunes banner says down there at the bottom.
I’m tired. I really shouldn’t be, but it’s more than just physical tiredness, I think. I’m tired of everything. I keep thinking, “Is this depression?” And to be honest, I’m kind of scared of the answer. I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t have time to be depressed. I don’t have reason to be depressed. This hasn’t, to memory, happened before, so why’s it happening now?
My hormones have decided they hate me, as well. The problem with that is that ordinarily the solution for that is for my doctor to prescribe birth control pills…….and I’m already on them. I’m 18, for god’s sake. Can’t my body wait to hate me until I’m older? Until something like this wouldn’t scare the living hell out of me?
Until it wouldn’t remind me of how my grandmother had to have a hysterectomy at 25 and make me think, “I won’t be ready to have children by then like she did, I’ll be in college still.” Goddammit, I want to be a mother. I’m too young and ambitious for it right now, but I want to bear children someday. My body, with it’s wide hips and stout legs, is built for it, has been since I was twelve. My mind has only very recently begun to take to the idea, but it’s taken to it like a leech to an open sore, and has no intentions of letting go.
…I haven’t told anyone any of this yet. And I’m sitting here on a beautiful snowy Sunday afternoon crying my eyes out for apparently no reason.
And thinking, “God, there’s something wrong with me.”
I have to get off this topic. Sorry to be Debbie Downer, guys.
I haven’t done much work with the website “issues” I talked about last time in the past few days. I did get some pretty basic templates done for the four major sections/sites I plan to launch, which are: a personal blog and writing area called, “What Would Gloria Do?” or “WWGD”; a space for my (as of yet barely started) musical work under the name Midnight Magic; a section called “Locked & Loaded” that will actually be my place to post my beginning research and work on my future book about Spiritual Gunslingerism; and a space for the newly renamed CrimsonCast. I wanted to incorporate some spiritual themes throughout, and kind of associated each with one of the four elements. WWGD associates with fire, for various reasons including but not limited to the fiery riot-like nature of Gloria herself and the firey passion that incorporates into writing, or at least my writing. Midnight Magic I associated with water, because of the emotional nature of music and my own in particular. L&L is very earthy, because it’s about incorporating ideas into the corporeal and also because I very much associate gunslingers in general with a desert which is the epitome of bare earth to me. And CrimsonCast, with its intentions of communication, thought, and mindfulness, is of course air. I tried to incorporate related colors into the templates I worked on, although Gloria specifically requested black and red for the site that bears her name. L&L used brown, green, and orange; MM used purple and some blue; and CrimsonCast used red and pink (while not specifically “air” colors – which may be more like yellows and beiges – they fit and, hey, I used pink! Be happy! Lol.)
I’ve been cracking open the magicky pagan books I happen to have (and trying to get myself to ask for ownership of my mother’s old books) as well. A list of what I have, for the curious (and please don’t laugh, I didn’t buy all of them myself):
– Silver Ravenwolf: To Ride a Silver Broomstick, To Light a Sacred Flame, and Teen Witch
– Scott Cunningham: Encyclopedia of Herbs*, Wicca, and Living Wicca*
– Phyllis Curott: Book of Shadows*
– Anton LaVey: The Satanic Bible*
– Amber K: True Magic
– Diana Paxton: Essential Asatru
– Richard Metzger: The Book of Lies* (No, not Crowley’s, heh)
– D.J. Conway: Little Book of Candle Magic* and Celtic Magic*
The purple titles are the ones I bought myself and the asterisk’d titles are those I have not finished reading yet. (Cunningham’s Encyclopedia I have technically read through all the way, but of course you flip through afterward because you forget these things.)
I’m trying to think up topic(s) for my next podcast episode. I’m leaning at current towards a discussion of Satanism, probably because I’ve started picking up Mr. LaVey again after a few months of having lost the book (bad Taylor!). Ehh, I dunno.
I’m gonna end this post and start two new ones, hahaha. Those shallt be (inspired by Feith): Those things I take for granted in magic/paganism, especially in regards to elements; and; my own personal skill set, or, “What the hell am I good at?!” That second might make me feel a little better, eh?
“And so, merry Christmas, and a happy new year; let’s hope it’s a good one, without any fear…”
Now playing: MeadowMoon – Episode 3