Nov 28th, Afternoon

Things I did today:
Meditation – No.
Pages – No.
Inward Speaking – Inadvertant, but mostly no.
Walking – Does up and down the stairs count?
Water – Try coffee.
Divination -Nope.

Notes:
Oh, ye gods, I am failing. See that list up there? The one that’s a proclamation of me doing absolutely nothing that I should have? That’s the same for the past like three days. Is it ironic or merely sad that the “holidays” have an adverse affect on my spiritual practice?

Well, what have I been doing? Lots of nothing. Playing with my iTouch. Listening to the wonderful Druidcast – I guess that fits in as something good. Trying to set up my various webnesses with little complete success. I did have the wonderful idea of writing different themed topics for certain days of the week on my personal blog, but that’s wanting to fall through as well… the last two themed days (Wednesday and Friday) have both gone by with not a pip from my end. I’m thinking, should I get rid of a few days? Or what? Ahhhh.

I am noticing a slight trend, perhaps – I seem to fall through on these things when it’s what I call “the bleeding time” – ladies might understand what I mean. I just get really bored, lethargic, I don’t want to do anything at all but sleep all day. And sleep all day I have been – yesterday I slept until 2 in the afternoon! And today was not much better, with me getting up around 11 AM.

And I’d really like to finish moving my room as I’d like it, but I’ve not the will to actually make it happen.

On top of all of that, I’ve got some thinking to do on website “issues”. I don’t actually have any pressing issues with my current host or anything like that, more just things that I’d like or things I don’t like anymore.
For one, I don’t like my domain name anymore. I created it when I was seriously becoming interested in chaos magic – and I’m not anymore. I’ve “grown away” from that path, which makes sense when I stop and consider my situation now as compared to then. I guess I’m sort of “settling down,” at the very least mentally, and chaos no longer appeals to me. However – I have not a farking clue what to go by instead. (Half-joke:) Perhaps I should do one of those “pagan name” meditations to find a new domain handle? Haha.
For another, I’m rethinking my choice of webhost. The host I’m with now is fairly good, but to be honest I don’t really need all the space and features I’m paying for, and I would love to not pay as much anymore. This is probably more of an “issue” with my current hosting package rather than my current hosting provider, but shopping around is a good thing, isn’t it?

Eh. I have no idea. I think I’ll put on some jeans and move some shit around and wait for John to get done with his cousin’s siding.

Re-life?

I want to talk a little bit about my idea of “reincarnation,” since I really don’t have anything else to talk about today.

Cover of The Dark Tower (The Dark Tower, Book 7)

I’m going to preface this by saying that my concept of reincarnation is based on Stephen King’s Dark Tower series. Well, no, not really based on. But perhaps, influenced by? Introduced by? I don’t know. He writes about something that could be considered reincarnation that kind of makes sense to me with slight modifications.

The idea he presents – or seems to present – comes from the very end of the tale (serious spoiler alert, because trust me, you never see it coming), when the main character, Roland, climbs to the top of the Dark Tower, a legendary monolithic universe-lynch-pin. Throughout the tale, Roland wonders from time to time what he will find when he reaches the top. What he finds is a door – that opens up and pulls him into his own past, his own life… where he has made different choices that may lead to a different outcome.
Because I believe that life is a test, a modification of this idea makes sense to me: We are sent back, over and over again, in the same life/person, until we “pass” the test and finally learn all of the lessons life has for us. Then, presumably, we continue on to otherworldly existence, or perhaps cease to exist entirely.
Now, those italics? That’s probably where my belief in reincarnation differs from yours, if you have one. In my experience, most reincarnation-believing pagans think we come back in multiple different lives or incarnations – for example, that they may be a current incarnation of Julius Ceasar, or Ptolemy, or DaVinci. (You get the idea.) That’s fine and all… I just don’t feel I’ve ever been anything other than what I am. It doesn’t make sense that I could have been. Of course, that’s just me. That’s fine too.

Yeah, I figured I wasn’t gonna get much space outta this one. I seem to think I’m going to write more than I have to say on stuff like this, heh.

Nov 20th, Late Afternoon

Some how I got the morning pages done today. I’m not sure how, with the “Scholastic” competition I was in but apparently I did. I only did 2 pages again but I think I’m going to start making that the norm.
I have this app for my iTouch (which I’m beginning to see as a hugely beneficial tool to my practice – I’m typing this on it right now) that creates sound at the certain frequencies that alter your brain. I’m thinking, morning meditation? Evening meditation?
Another morning activity I’m thinking on is dancing. Dancing always heightens my mood and my energy level. Now, when I say “dancing,” I mean putting on peppy music and moving myself to it. Nothing fancy, just fun.
The iTouch also has acquired an app that gives different yoga positions, and I plan to utilize that as often as I can and hopefully eventually fall into a sync with that. Every day ideally, or four to five days a week, or whatever.

Nov 18th, Afternoon

Okay. Okay. I’m not dead. Promise.
I’ve just been busy. Doing what? Well… Nothing huge of value to anyone but me.
I’ve been doing the morning pages almost every day (weekends are still messing with me).
Last Saturday I went to a college football game at the college I’m planning on attending (Penn State), and they won, woo!

And apparently I’m going to the winter semiformal dance this year. John and I had decided not to go, but his cousins have other plans, it seems.
They’re both in their 20’s and out of college (and they both went to the college I’m planning to attend, haha), and they’ve decided that we are going to that dance, whether we like it or not! Lol! They’re paying for it. All of it. The younger cousin, Rachel, is letting me wear one of her dresses (that looks fantastic on me) and bought me shoes and was talking about jewelry and hair appointments and so on.
I’m kind of being weird about this, mostly because I’m not used to people being that nice to me, or doing that much for me. The cynic in me is going, “Why the hell are they doing this for you?” But, I figure I’m just going to shut up, thank them lots, and enjoy it.

Er, besides all that… I dunno. I’ve been working on a WordPress theme that’ll match my Blogger theme at the mo’, to set up a “Locked and Loaded” on my own server as a third strain for absolutely no reason other that I’m damn weird about that.

I’ve been thinking a lot about a secret project, but shhh… If you keep it quiet I’ll tell you…
About two or three years ago, back when I was A) deep into writing and B) angsty at my parents, I came up with an interesting fellow. His name was Alexander and he went by the moniker “Andi”. He had long blond hair and was basically a gothic computer genius with shitty-but-rich parents.
Okay, but what’s the project? Am I planning on writing a book on him? Well, not really. I’m already working on a non-fiction about my path, and getting slightly burned out on that. This is something fresh that I’ve never tried before: Webcomic artistry. Now, I’m not sure if it’s going to be funny – Andi is a cynical smartass, but not a comedian by any means. I’m not even sure what it’s going to be about, beyond this one kid. But I have the layout sitting here in my head and I cannot, cannot pass this up. I just can’t. My me won’t let me. I’m not sure what I mean by “my me” here – not Gloria; she wants me to do creative things but wouldn’t make me do them. No, it’s something deeper that is driving this impulse – maybe my center of creativity itself?
I should definitely meditate on this! If I could get myself to meditate at all…

My problem with doing these things that I mean to do – which include but are not limited to: meditation, journalling/blogging, card pulls (to a lesser extent), stonework, painting, recording, class projects – is that I get caught up in doing something else. Always! It’s my curse to be so easily distracted. And then all of a sudden it’s 10 or 11 at night and I’m tired and sitting there going, “Fuck! I was supposed to do this and this and this and I didn’t do any of it!” And I get frustrated with myself.
I think some of it is related to John in certain ways – I don’t want to ask him for time to myself. I’m not sure why, I just don’t want to do it, ever. So if I’m talking to him, I’m not doing these other things that I mean to. Or I’ll get hung up doing something I can do while talking to him, like Stumbling or template coding or something that either I don’t need to do or I could save for a later time.

I’m going to try to sort this out. I haven’t been, and I know it.

I need to edit the purpose page, heh. This is turning into more of a blog than I expected, filled with more of my personal life that I expected, and to be honest I don’t really see anything wrong with that. So. I will change it.

Time to go get my laundry out of the wash and hang it. To steal a phrase from the always-awesome Tigger, TTFN!

Nov 10th, Evening

Woo! Back on the wagon. Did my morning pages two days in a row, good Taylor. I even did a “prayer” this morning. (Something to the tone of, “Dear Gloria, help me t fill my day with love, light, and peace.”) And I did a water purification in the shower – complete with a chant, which I rarely ever do, so I’m proud of myself. (“Water, water, flow through me, bringing positivity, taking negativity, water, water, flow through me.”)

Haven’t done any card pulls; I’m still mulling over the last one, and somehow it doesn’t feel right to move on until I figure this one out. I’m probably looking at that “wrong” though. (Not “wrong” as in there’s only one way to see it, but more like “wrong” as in not benificial to me.)

I started cleaning my room and rearranging things yesterday, and did a little work on that today as well, but today I succumbed to the lure of the computer. Tomorrow I’m going to get a big chunk of it done with, though. Mostly what I want to do right now is get the clothes I need washed, washed, and sort through what’s in my cabinets, tossing anything that’s garbage, keeping only what it needed, and giving away or selling what I can. (Diablo II player’s guide? Meet Game Stop. Have fun. Gimme cash. Lol!)

I also finally got around to painting a wand I’ve been meaning to give to my friend. Her birthday was a few months ago and I told her I’d have something for her when I could. I’m sure she’s forgotten by now, so it’ll be a really nice surprise. 🙂

Nov 8th, Evening

This weekend was a spiritual bust. I did not do the morning pages either day. I didn’t do, well, ANYTHING with the practice either day.

Yesterday I took the SAT from 8 in the morning until about 1 in the afternoon, then I watched The Uninvited, then I went to John’s and stayed there until about 10 and came home and crashed.

Today I didn’t get up until almost noon, then I took a nice long shower. I stayed downstairs in the kitchen with my computer set up on the table all day, until about twenty minutes ago. I didn’t get much done besides a few posts on the SpiritsCast forums and a good dose of negativity via Gaiaonline, though I did get my site registered for Google Adsense and convinced my friend to add my music page on MySpace as a friend.

I’ve been increasingly negative these last few days, and I don’t like it. I enjoyed not being a bitch. (Wait, what?!) I enjoyed feeling happy and at peace.
I bet if I went hermit for a week I’d feel no bitchiness at all, lol! But I can’t do that, can I? I live with my parent(s), I go to high school, and I’m romantically attached. No hermitism for me, sadly.

School tomorrow, and I’m going to get back in sync with the practice. I understand that I am only starting out with this, and that starting out is not always an easy, quick flow into routine. It takes work and commitment, and I am willing to get over my failure and progress into success.

Cardshare 1

Well, everyone else seems to be including their card pulls in their blogs, so I figured I’d hop on the wagon.
I’ll preface this with two things: One, I use playing cards instead of Tarot, though I pretty much use Tarot-equivalent meanings (eg., 4 of spades and 4 of swords). Two, this first cardshare is from November 5th, the Day I Did Everything.

Thursday, November 5th, 2009
About 2:15 pm

I shuffled the cards with a desire to discover more about the path that I’m embarking on. I think I may have asked too many questions for a two card pull.
I got the ace of hearts on top and the two of clubs on the bottom. Base instinct says that obviously this is something new, the low numbers tell us that. 2 of clubs is the beginning of work, when it begins to take shape; a block of wood hinting at its final product. Ace of hearts is the beginning of love. The combination hints to me that te path I am beginning to set myself on will require work, but will be extremely emotionally rewarding.

My notes on the cards say that 2 of clubs, or wands, indicated instinct, direction, and a choice of where to focus, and 1 of hearts or cups indicates beginnings, raw potential, and a welling of new emotion.
This backs up my beginning interpritation.

The cards may indicate problems with my relationship as a result of this new path, so I should pay careful attention to that.

Nov 6th, Late Evening

Today was interesting.

I didn’t get a lot of path stuff done. I did the morning pages but that’s about it. No water purification (like I had been doing), no meditation, no card pull. I’ll probably do the card pull when I’m done writing this.

I did some small bit of organization of book files, but nothing of actual writing.

I felt like crap half the day. Just randomly getting angry or upset with others’ behavior, and my own. PMS starting to kick at me? My week had been excellent up til today.

Let’s see. In home room I was rudely manhandled by my home room teacher during the Pledge of Allegiance. Every morning they play the National Anthem and have the Pledge afterward. I always (when I’m in home room) stand respectfully and be silent, and usually do some sort of “prayer” or quick meditation, often on patriotic-themed topics, but I don’t actually speak the Pledge or place my hand over my heart. Today I spent the time in thought on the Fort Hood incident. Interrupting my thoughts, my home room teacher decided she would take it upon herself to lift my arm to “where it should be”.
I said nothing to her. Then I spent my time in the library, before sitting down to do my morning pages, typing up a letter to her, explaining why I don’t say the Pledge or make the gesture and that my reasons for not doing so are valid and that I’m actually in love with this country, especially our military. I went into a lot of stuff, like how my parents were both Marines and how I at one time was seriously considering enlistment in the Navy, and how I see the Pledge as an oath I don’t deserve to take.
I printed it, signed it, tri-folded it, stuck it in an envelope, and put it in her mailbox in the main office.
I haven’t talked to her since then. I await Monday nervously. I’m afraid that writing that letter was a mistake, that she will be angry with me. My logical brain kicks in and asks me why that would be so bad. “What can she really do?” Well, nothing, but she’s not a terrible person and I would rather she didn’t see me badly. I don’t know how to feel, but I guess what’s done is done, right?

I got a hundred on my calculus test. That’s the second hundred this week. I think I wrapped up the first quarter quite damn nicely.

My younger friend asked me for sex advice today. I think of her as part little sister, part younger cousin, so that was weird and awkward.

I drove again. My mother was yelling at me like a lunatic. I did fairly terrible. Didn’t hit anything, so that was good.

I finally got my application for Penn State sent in. I’m 93% certain they’re going to accept me, but I know I’m still going to await their response nervously.

I’m nervous about tomorrow, a little. I’m taking the SAT again. Last time I got a 1970 (R+W+M, 1280 R+M), so I’m trying to get over a 2000, and/or over a 1300 (R+M). The highest you can get is 800 in each of three sections: reading, writing, and math. Some count the reading and math as more important, and so only want to know the total of those two, and up until a couple years ago it was only those two. My current score was actually better than my valedictorian’s, but I wanna break 2000/1300, because that would just be awesome. (Sure, it’s no 2400/1600, but perfection is for robots, not Taylor.)

So that was my day. Eugh.

Apology

When newspapers print something that is later found to be incorrect, they print an apology piece, detailing what they printed that was wrong and the correct information on the subject. Usually they print apologies for incorrect dates or misspellings, but sometimes also for printing misinformation, when such a thing happens.

So I’m going to apologize for “printing” misinformation.
As far as I am aware, when I wrote my previous post with the bit about the Ft. Hood incident, it had been published via CNN’s website that “they” believed the gunman to be dead. However they have since told us that he is not dead, but only wounded.

I am sorry about posting information prematurely and I will definitely stop and wait for all the facts the next time I post about current events.

Now back to your regularly scheduled life.

Sometimes, everyone can use a little GLORIA

Because this is something that might come up quite a lot over the course of this, well, course, I thought I’d take some time to explain a little about my Gloria.

In my path, one creates a mental personification of their “inner self,” or in other words, their subconscious mind. Mine takes the form of a woman, who looks about 19-23, with long black hair, blue eyes, and larger breasts than I have.
On one hand, I named her Gloria after the character sung about in Green Day’s newest album. On the other hand, she named herself with her own firey gusto. Like the character I/she/we pilfered the name from, she’s a one-woman riot, a lover and a fighter, a perfect balance of warrior spirit and hippie ethic. Did I say perfect? She’s far from it, and she knows it – and that’s what makes her real. I know I’m never going to be perfect, she knows I’m never going to be perfect, so perfection is a silly goal. Gloria herself? She’s something I can strive to become, and probably even succeed.
After all, she is me.

If we wanna bring some more music into is (and why the hell not?), I am s/he as you are s/he as you are me and we are all together.
Right?